Stage 3: Lucid

STAGE 3: LUCID

I walked until silence became silence. They said solitude and self reflection would do me some good. I wasn't alone, I was with the company of my thoughts. One was brutally honest, she told me to face what was in front of me and stop running away, but I can't. I approached another one and she was kind and gentle. She spoke sweet words of who I was and what I deserved. I couldn't except those words and walked away. I came across one who was sad and remorseful and it hurt too much to stay so I left. And in the distance there she was, standing with her back turned against me. She looked cold and scared. I offered my hand but she refused. I told her of a place where the light would hit and she would feel warm. I promised her that I would keep her safe. She turned to me with eyes filled with tears and said "Save yourself".

No one or nothing could fill this void. Not a person. Not food. Not drinks. Not sex. Nothing that he could give me. I was dragged through the deepest pit of my soul. I held on for so long. I'm tired of putting up a fight. I'm finally letting go. I surrender. 

Stage 2: Limbo

STAGE 2: LIMBO

I couldn't sort through what was clean or dirty. Everything seemed grey. I had other things to occupy my head but these thoughts wiggled every bit of its being into the dark crevices of my brain. I replayed it over and over. Thinking things would change the story would be different. We would lay there naked my body finding warmth up against his. He'd tell me stories about his childhood until I fell asleep in his arms. Instead, I woke up cold. I saw him at the foot of my bed barely saying two words before he left. For a moment I just wanted him to see me. But I think I held hope inside of emptiness. What was it that I was looking for in him that I thought could cure me? Why did I need to be needed? I asked the questions and knew the answers. It was time to let it go. I had to accept the rejection, move forward, move on, alone. 

This silence is driving me insane. I'm O.K. Everything is O.K. Why am I losing my mind?!?!?